Musings on being unfriended, exes, and online lives
I lost another Facebook friend today who was an actual close colleague in real life. This has happened twice now and it's over the same issue: me having the gall to acknowledge the presence of their ex. One case last year had me visiting LA and, having had a wonderful visit with my friend A two years prior, I texted her to see if she wanted to meet up and she promptly sent a terse response in the negative. I then checked online to see if there was something happening in her life that I missed and needed to know, but then noticed that she had unfriended me. A mutual friend told me the next day that it was because I had accepted the online "friendship" of her ex-husband. I accept friend requests from almost everyone, even strangers sometimes if they are part of performing arts networks, and hardly interact with online contacts; I regard FB friends as a large rolodex of people I know. I knew him, knew her side of their sad history, and thought if he wanted to connect online that perhaps he and A had worked things out or something -- I didn't give it much thought before clicking yes and promptly forgot about it. But A took it as a betrayal. There has been one time before when a colleague of mine reached out to say that someone I had on my "friend" list had abused her and would I please delete him as a contact because even seeing his name triggered her PTSD. I gladly did because I cared for her as a real friend and only connected with him because he produces a show I was hoping to perform in. I have since made the decision - which is mine to make and no one else's - to avoid the show and him. Had A reached out to explain herself, I would have absolutely deleted her ex because I care for her and hardly know him. But I suppose we were not very good friends in her eyes, because she wanted to delete me from her real life without even a word mentioned.
My abusive ex was recently outed on Twitter for being abusive. It took me so long - years - to end it with him (counseling is a marvelous thing and I recommend therapy to everyone) because he wasn't like that all the time. A lot of people in the shows I do, bands I'm in, and my social scenes know him and the reaction to his name is usually the same: they smile, laugh, and shake their heads. Why? Because he's funny! He's a charming, charismatic, fun dude! 85% of the time. The other 15% he's an angry, alcoholic, violent dude. When I first met him he had gotten fired from a show for drunkenly hitting a woman, but I thought he was working on himself. I believe in second chances; I've needed a second chance or two myself, sometimes. Well... he stopped working on himself and after much back-and-forth and crying and drama, we ended things. I lived a sort of hell for a while after that by having to always be reminded of him because that's how the performance scene goes: everyone hires him because of his fun side; his witty, quirky side that loves to drink whiskey, act like Groucho, and joke about his womanizing ways. I never faulted anyone for continuing to hire him, but knowing he'd be at a high percentage of shows I was either in or wanted to attend would paralyze me with anxiety. It still makes me nervous and I am prepared to leave any project if he's also cast. I'm not "over" it, but the only way I'm capable of saying something now is because I've made peace with it. I've been working on myself and that's the only thing that can be done. And here's the thing: it is my life, my history, my feelings, and the only thing/person I have control over is me. I let people know what happened (in a matter-of-fact way) anytime they express interest in dating him, including him in plans, booking him on a show that I'm performing at, etc. but if they want to hang out with him, employ him, befriend him, or totally acknowledge his existence and mention him occasionally, it is not my place to guilt them, harangue them, or vilify them because they are not in charge of keeping my story; they are not beholden to me for choices they make that do not concern me! I wish him peace; I truly want him to be healthy and happy and thriving. There will always be love in my heart for the love inside his and it's my wish that the past remain the past and that his path has led to a more compassionate, balanced, and aware place.
Yesterday I was featured in a magazine and was excited but nervous about how the article and photo had come out. I picked up a couple issues and was biking home with them, anxious about even opening one to see. At that moment, a theater colleague of mine passed by and I asked him to do the honors of opening it up to take a look at what thousands of New Yorkers had already read on their morning commutes. The exchange took about a minute and then the light changed and I was on my way to happily share the press exposure online. I threw in the encounter with the theater guy because it illustrated my feelings of excitement and nervousness. Now, theater guy used to be engaged to rock girl and I know them both very well. We've shared stages numerous times, they were guests at my wedding, I've cried to them, laughed with them, etc. and I know all about their on-again-off-again, contentious past and I know (oh boy, do I know) that in every relationship that has gone south, there are three sides: what he said, what she said, and what really happened. She is married to someone else now, he is happily living with someone, and I'm friends with both of them and love them. However, after posting the article, rock girl sent me many messages during the day and into the night, even commenting on my actual post with vivid detail, reminding me passionately of her side of the story over and over again and warning me not to talk about him or associate with him. I empathized with everything she said and was forced to re-live their drama four years after the fact. This morning I realized she had unfriended me.
Life is hard. We want to share our burdens and accomplishments and joys and sorrows; we don't want to keep them to ourselves. Feelings are slippery and sticky and ethereal and tricky. Boundaries can be set in stone or made of smoke. Online lives (which are a strange, funky version of our real lives) are now part of the whole package and can give you unexpected boosts of fun and intrigue and connectedness, but can also challenge you with things you thought you'd left behind. I have no answer to this difficult issue, which can often feel like an uninvited intrusion that rips open old wounds. I suppose the openness and vulnerability of having an online presence can force us to deal with and heal the things we normally would have avoided because if we don't, we run the risk of feeling betrayed by friends who aren't really players in our personal struggles.
And lastly, because much of this post dealt with the topic of domestic abuse, I want to say this: no matter your personal demons, it's never an excuse for abusive behavior. No matter what is happening in a relationship, it's not an excuse to hit someone. No matter how much you've had to drink, it's not an excuse to kick them. No matter what words were said or emotions are erupting, it's not an excuse to choke them. No matter what, there's never an excuse to rip their hair out and throw them to the ground. Doesn't matter the size difference between you or what your genders are, there is never any excuse for violence. A lot of people have told me that it takes two to tango. Yes it does, but when you realize your dance partner isn't getting help and you've cried yourself to sleep every night for almost a year, then it's time to leave. That's on you. Don't stop dancing - never stop dancing! Just...find a new partner and know that your old partner still lives in the world, has the rest of her/his path to continue, will probably interact with people you know, and that it's also on you to navigate the dancefloor.
My abusive ex was recently outed on Twitter for being abusive. It took me so long - years - to end it with him (counseling is a marvelous thing and I recommend therapy to everyone) because he wasn't like that all the time. A lot of people in the shows I do, bands I'm in, and my social scenes know him and the reaction to his name is usually the same: they smile, laugh, and shake their heads. Why? Because he's funny! He's a charming, charismatic, fun dude! 85% of the time. The other 15% he's an angry, alcoholic, violent dude. When I first met him he had gotten fired from a show for drunkenly hitting a woman, but I thought he was working on himself. I believe in second chances; I've needed a second chance or two myself, sometimes. Well... he stopped working on himself and after much back-and-forth and crying and drama, we ended things. I lived a sort of hell for a while after that by having to always be reminded of him because that's how the performance scene goes: everyone hires him because of his fun side; his witty, quirky side that loves to drink whiskey, act like Groucho, and joke about his womanizing ways. I never faulted anyone for continuing to hire him, but knowing he'd be at a high percentage of shows I was either in or wanted to attend would paralyze me with anxiety. It still makes me nervous and I am prepared to leave any project if he's also cast. I'm not "over" it, but the only way I'm capable of saying something now is because I've made peace with it. I've been working on myself and that's the only thing that can be done. And here's the thing: it is my life, my history, my feelings, and the only thing/person I have control over is me. I let people know what happened (in a matter-of-fact way) anytime they express interest in dating him, including him in plans, booking him on a show that I'm performing at, etc. but if they want to hang out with him, employ him, befriend him, or totally acknowledge his existence and mention him occasionally, it is not my place to guilt them, harangue them, or vilify them because they are not in charge of keeping my story; they are not beholden to me for choices they make that do not concern me! I wish him peace; I truly want him to be healthy and happy and thriving. There will always be love in my heart for the love inside his and it's my wish that the past remain the past and that his path has led to a more compassionate, balanced, and aware place.
Yesterday I was featured in a magazine and was excited but nervous about how the article and photo had come out. I picked up a couple issues and was biking home with them, anxious about even opening one to see. At that moment, a theater colleague of mine passed by and I asked him to do the honors of opening it up to take a look at what thousands of New Yorkers had already read on their morning commutes. The exchange took about a minute and then the light changed and I was on my way to happily share the press exposure online. I threw in the encounter with the theater guy because it illustrated my feelings of excitement and nervousness. Now, theater guy used to be engaged to rock girl and I know them both very well. We've shared stages numerous times, they were guests at my wedding, I've cried to them, laughed with them, etc. and I know all about their on-again-off-again, contentious past and I know (oh boy, do I know) that in every relationship that has gone south, there are three sides: what he said, what she said, and what really happened. She is married to someone else now, he is happily living with someone, and I'm friends with both of them and love them. However, after posting the article, rock girl sent me many messages during the day and into the night, even commenting on my actual post with vivid detail, reminding me passionately of her side of the story over and over again and warning me not to talk about him or associate with him. I empathized with everything she said and was forced to re-live their drama four years after the fact. This morning I realized she had unfriended me.
Life is hard. We want to share our burdens and accomplishments and joys and sorrows; we don't want to keep them to ourselves. Feelings are slippery and sticky and ethereal and tricky. Boundaries can be set in stone or made of smoke. Online lives (which are a strange, funky version of our real lives) are now part of the whole package and can give you unexpected boosts of fun and intrigue and connectedness, but can also challenge you with things you thought you'd left behind. I have no answer to this difficult issue, which can often feel like an uninvited intrusion that rips open old wounds. I suppose the openness and vulnerability of having an online presence can force us to deal with and heal the things we normally would have avoided because if we don't, we run the risk of feeling betrayed by friends who aren't really players in our personal struggles.
And lastly, because much of this post dealt with the topic of domestic abuse, I want to say this: no matter your personal demons, it's never an excuse for abusive behavior. No matter what is happening in a relationship, it's not an excuse to hit someone. No matter how much you've had to drink, it's not an excuse to kick them. No matter what words were said or emotions are erupting, it's not an excuse to choke them. No matter what, there's never an excuse to rip their hair out and throw them to the ground. Doesn't matter the size difference between you or what your genders are, there is never any excuse for violence. A lot of people have told me that it takes two to tango. Yes it does, but when you realize your dance partner isn't getting help and you've cried yourself to sleep every night for almost a year, then it's time to leave. That's on you. Don't stop dancing - never stop dancing! Just...find a new partner and know that your old partner still lives in the world, has the rest of her/his path to continue, will probably interact with people you know, and that it's also on you to navigate the dancefloor.